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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 3, 2016 9:36am-10:13am PST

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>> donald trump claims victory all ever the map. >> donald trump had a fantastic night. >> it looks like we're going to have trump as the nominee. >> i had a huge victory. >> a big night for donald trump. >> i feel awfully good. >> do you ever wonder what it's like to be inside of trevor noah's head? well, i don't, because i am. donald trump could be president! this is the best thing that's ever happened to us. think of all the jokes. trump is the biggest gift to comedy since anthony weaner. >> joy, are you kidding me? >> hi, anger. >> we flew all the way from south africa for this ( bleep )? america has 300 million people to choose from and they pick literally the worst guys. what, was bill cosby not interested? >> think about trump pardoning turkeys on thanksgiving.
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take your low-energy turkey ass off my biewl lawn. it's amazing! >> now of joy, how can you be so calm? what if trevor debts goetz deported? >> fear what, are you talking about? >> think about it, donald trump hates immigrants, and trevor's not exactly here legally. ( laughter ). >> great, we're going to get deported. this sucks! and trevor just figured out what the hell fahrenheit is. ( laughter ) >> come on, guys, trump is getting shadows from white supremacists! don't tell me that isn't funny! >> are you nuts? white supremacists? that's so scary. trevor won't even be able to order black coffee anymore. >> it's about that time. you feeling it? you feeling that tingle? >> hi, horniness. ( laughter ). ooo! >> come on, not now, horniness. chill out a second. >> we're talking about trump here. >> this is not the time to get horny. >> oh, it's always a good time to get horny. >> you always do this. why don't you just leave us alone for once, horniness.
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>> horniness isn't going anywhere. horny! horny! horny! >> stop it! >> i guess i'm horny? from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "daily show" with trevor noah. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "daily show," everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much. my guest tonight, "sports illustrated" model and chef here to tell us how to cook for john legend, chrissy teigen is here! ( cheers and applause ) yes! now we all know the news about trump. but before we get to that, let's pour out some nyquil for the homey we lost. >> dr. ben carson issuing a statement just moments ago saying he does not see "a political path forward for his campaign." >> he said that he's going to have much more to say about this
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on friday in a speech but he's clearly going to bow out of this race. >> trevor: that's right, people. ben carson announced they had he'd leave the race two days from now. ( laughter ) because he even drops out slow. ( laughter ) "i have an urgent announcement to make. and so i will make it in two days' time." ( laughter ) oh, we're gog miss you, ben. so it's official, folks. donald trump won big last night. yeah. republicans in seven more states said they would choose donald trump as their commander in chief and the cheeseburger as their favorite fruit. and now, the human tan has opened a commanding lead in the delegates from the republican presidential nomination. and you know what? at this point, we can't be surprised anymore, because like antibiotic-resistant bacteria, donald trump is an uncomfortable reality. but i'll tell you what was a surprise last night was the poor showing by senator marco rubio.
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yes. the king of sweat. ( laughter ) going into super tuesday, he was supposed to be the candidate who could still beat trump, you know. he was widely endorsed. he was well funded. and he was just the right amount of hispanic. ( laughter ) yeah, you know, just enough to prawden the appeal of the party but not so hispanic that he turns off the conservatives. let's be honest for a second. if marco rubio was, like, "eh, man, let's defeat isis and create jobs for the 21st century, man." if he was that hispanic, that ( bleep ) wouldn't fly. ( laughter ) so everything, everything was in place. and then antibiotic-resistant bacteria beat him in 10 states. but in true politician smile, he platt plaster aid smile on his face and acted unphased. >> tonight donald trump won state after state after state. is it possible that your quarrel is not so much with donald trump as it is with republican primary
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voters? >> no, i think you're misanalyzing the night. >> trevor: jake, please. would a man who's been crying all night have a smile like this? you know, i find it impressive that rubio is correcting jake tapper for reading numbers correctly. "well, jake, you're not analyzing the numbers correctly. if you're the kind of guy who thinks seven is more than one, you do you." and rubio, he took this mr. magoing to-like optimism into what he thought was a victory speech. >> we are so excited by what lies ahead for our campaign. we are seeing in state after state of state his numbers coming down, our numbers going up. ( cheers ). >> trevor: this madness doesn't make any sense. for more we go to hasan minhaj, our marco rubio correspondent. hasan minhaj, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). >> thank you, thank you. >> trevor: hasan, tough night for the senator. >> exactly, trevor. it is just like the rubio
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campaign planned. >> trevor: i'm sorry, his plan was to lose every state but minnesota? >> it's all a part of the trat gee, trevor. phase one, lose 14 out of the first 15 states. phase two, everyone thinks rubio's done, so they drop their guard just in time for kansas this saturday. >> trevor: i see, so he wins in kansas. >> no, that's too easy. he dmms third and fifth place in colorado. >> trevor: fifth place? there's only four candidates. >> exactly! then miraculously, oregon and idaho merge into a superstate called idagon. now it's a race. now we're on to new york. due to a typo on the ballot everybody votes for a donald stump, but there is no donald stump, and all those delegate goes to rubio. >> trevor: even though, hasan, there are not enough delegates left to win the nomination. >> that's why he trades his
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delegates fair treasure map because ted cruz is dumb enough to do that. cruz is off digging up a beach in bermuda, and marco takes the lead just in time to click those heels all the way to the convention, baby. >> trevor: wow, hasan, rubio is either a genius or the most delusional man of all time. >> trevor, i think we know the answer to all that. >> trevor: thank you, hasan. hasan minhaj, people. ( cheers and applause ) you know, now that we talk about this, yesterday while i was watching super tuesday results come in, i realized something. people are ( bleep ) crazy. and also a lot of republicans are treating donald trump's takeover the same way they treat climate change. in other words, they deny it. like, look at marco rubio. he would rather question the numbers than admit the truth of what's happening around him. and then you have people like ted cruz who don't deny the numbers but willfully misinterpret them faz they mean something good. >> we are the only campaign that
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has beaten donald trump once... ( cheers ) ...twice. ( cheers and applause ) ... three times. 15 states have now voted. every one of those state so far has been won by either donald trump or myself. >> trevor: that is such a generous way to look at the results. you're not cowinners, ted cruz. just the way he says it, "everyone one of those states has been won by donald trump or myself, and if you look at myself and jay-z combined, we have both slept with beyonce on numerous occasion, and that is why i will stop obama." republicans refuse to admit that political climate change is a real thing. and even the republicans who don't deny it won't accept blame for causing it. >> if a person wants to be the nominee of the republican party, this party does not prey on
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people's prejudices. we appeal to the highest ideals. this is the party of lincoln. >> trevor: okay, okay, paul ryan. good, we've got progress, nice. and you speak of such passion, you know, with such passion about your high ideals. you know, this is the party of lincoln. so will you act to stop donald trump? >> one of your republican colleagues explained why he supports donald trump. do you stand by-- >> i plan to support nominee. >> trevor: oh, wait so, let me understand this. you don't approve of what trump is doing, but you'll still help him do it? is that what lincoln would do? is that what you're saying? is that him. "we've got to free the slaves. it's not going to be popular, sir." "another ( bleep ). let's buy more slaves. sm here's the thing-- whether you believe in it or not, political climate change is happening, just like it is in nature. and we know this because we see it. you know, in nature you see birds migrating earlier. insects showing up in areas that they've never been. rats being forced to hunt pizza
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in the wild. ( laughter ) and it's no different in the republican party where we're seeing political animals adapting to survive. just look at this once-proud lone wolf. now a trained lap dog for donald trump. look at that face. that is the face of someone trying to get through this somekind of horrible experience by mentally traveling to his happy place. ( laughter ) yeah, you see, his body is there on that stage, but the crowd and the sounds, they just fade away. and then it's just-- ah, yes. go to your happy place, christie. go to a place where the traffic jams never end! ( applause ) you know the saddest thing about all of this? political climate change is just like regular climate change-- regardless of whose fault it all is, republican denial is going to end up hurting all of us. and whether the problem is starving polar pears or donald trump, really when you think
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about it, it's two problems that could really fix each other. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) a bull rider is bold. now, a bull rider on a plane... ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger.
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hi i'm kristie. and i'm jess. and we are the bug chicks. we're a nano-business. windows 10 really helps us get the word out about how awesome bugs are. kids learn to be brave and curious and all kids speak the language of bug. "hey cortana, find my katydid video."
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oh! this is so good. if you're trying to teach a kid about a proboscis. just sketch it on the screen. i don't have a touch screen on my mac, i'm jealous of that. you put a big bug in a kids hands and change their world view. [ laugh ]
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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: back back to "daily show." we're talking about super tuesday, which is also a very big night for a candidate that is not named donald trump. >> hillary clinton in command. >> huge night for hillary
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clinton. >> winning seven super tuesday states. >> a dominant lead >> tightening her grip on the party's nomination. >> what a super tuesday! >> trevor: oooh! so nice to see a decades-long plan for global domination come together. yay! with the republican party tearing itself apart it would be wise for the democrats to begin to unite. but, unfortunately, unfortunately, there are a lot of bernie sanders supporters who aren't quite ready for that. >> hillary's all over the place and she's flip-flopped a lot. >> people my age, that they think you're dishonest. >> how trustworthy hillary clinton is. >> the wall street democrat. >> received money in speakers' fees and campaign donations. >> she looked right through me. >> she's a dinosaur. she's been getting her coffee delivered to her for 20 years. >> trevor: what kind of dinosaur is that? that's what people say, hillary clinton. she gets her coffee delivered. wras, bernie sanders, he
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harvests his own beans, slow roasts them and bruise them himself. obviously. so, yes, it was a great night for hillary clinton. but, but, bernie fans need to understand, it was also a great night for bernie sanders because throughout the democratic primaries, it's been bernie who set the agenda. he's made hillary more of the candidate that people want to vote for. and, no, he's probably not going to be the protagonist of the story, but he's still got his role. he's the magical negro who helps the protagonist become a better person. yeah. bernie sanders is hillary's kazaam. and it may be difficult to see the change because we've been in it the entire time. but if you look at hillary's speech from last night, you tell me who it reminds you of. >> this country belongs to all of us, not just those at the top. those with the most wealth and the most power... seem to have forgotten that
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basic truth about america. corporations that avoid paying their fair share of taxes. student loan companies that overcharge young people. middle class needs a raise. what we need in america today is more love and kindness. >> trevor: is that you, bernie? that's right. the hillary clinton sucked up to wall street and voted to invade iraq is running on a platform of equality, love, and kindness. and that, my friends is thanks to bernie sanders. yeah. it's like bernie sanders slipped a molly into her campaign. ( laughter ) and you know what? i've heard bernie sanders supporters complaining. they g, hillary's stealing bernie's ideas." but don't you see, that's a good thing because if hillary clinton is going to be president. don't you want her to steal his ideas. either way bernie wins. because bernie goes, "i'm going to shut down wall street." and then hillary goes, "no, i'm going to shut down wall street." and bernie goes, "okay."
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( laughter ) and one thing is for certain-- and we all saw it last night-- i'm glad to say it looks like hillary is feeling the bern. we'll be right back. ♪ i'm savin' you five hundred coming soon from progressive, it's "savin' u," the new hit single from the dizzcounts. ♪ cash money ♪ the biggest discount and understand... ♪ the dizzcounts. safe driver, paperless, paid-in-full,
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when it comes to the fithings you love,. you want more. love romance? get lost in every embrace. into sports? follow every pitch, every play and every win. change the way you experience tv with x1 from xfinity. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to the show. my guest tonight is a model and is also the cohost of spike tv's lip sync battle. she is now the author of a new cookbook calls "cravings." please welcome chrissy teigen.
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>> hello! ( cheers and applause ) oh! hello! it's so weird to be here. >> trevor: thank you for being here. >> we watch every night. so this is really exciting. >> trevor: it is really exciting for me because you are honestly one of the most interesting people i know. >> what! >> trevor: you really-- >> that's horrific. that's horrible! >> trevor: you know why? because you're not what meets the eye. you go model, "sports illustrated." okay, fine, beautiful, fine, we understand that. but then you-- you are very involved in, like, the political discussion. you don't shy away from it. >> i know. i should sometimes, too, because you see me get in trouble on social media. and i always regret it. never once i have been,"i'm really glad i said that and stood up for that." never once, no. >> trevor: that's what social media is, isn't it? >> i know, i know, and i'm trying to learn. i think i've been on twitter six years now, and you would think i
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would start growing and learning and when to stop but i don't and i keep pushing it and it's horrible. >> trevor: i feel like you are the anti-troll. you are the face of the revolution. >> really. >> trevor: yes, are you the anti-troll. people go on twitter and say really horrible things to people. they go out of their way. i say twitter is like everyone has got your address and they come to your house-- >> like, would you knock on someone's door and say, "( bleep )." >> trevor: it's like people would do that if they had your address. hey, i know, thank you, i know. yeah, but you, you take them on. do you ever get tired of that? >> you know what's weird is i have this need for justice, and john says it all the time. he says i always need people ton when they're wrong and that's one of my townfalls. so when you have thousands of people write ug a day and this endless need to let them know they are wrong, it's a really bad combination. i got to tell them. i have eye can't stop. i don't know why. >> trevor: how does-- for those who don't know, chrissy teigen has a husband, he's a guy
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who sings sometimes. ( laughter ) his name is john legend. >> yes. >> trevor: and-- doesn't he get defensive for you? >> you know what, not really. sometimes i'll have him check on my tweets and i'll be like, "should i post this?" and he goes, "should you? no. will you, yes." >> trevor: i like that. >> he knows, he knows. >> trevor: let's turn for a second to your pregnancy. very interesting pregnancy that, again, was in the tabloids. >> yeah. >> trevor: was on twitter. everyone knew what you should do about your pregnancy. >> yes. >> trevor: and your baby. >> yeah, except me. >> trevor: aren't you happy about that? didn't that make you feel good? >> yeah, that's always-- obviously, being pregnant in general, not being a celebrity, you get enough people trying to tell you what to do and which way to go and how to do things and what's wrong and what's right. and i think being in the public eye with it-- and then admitting something as bigaise did, which is we went through i.v.f., and that we actually selected the gender, was a really big-- i had
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no idea how big that would become. >> trevor: it was a huge thing. people are like you shouldn't choose-- >> yeah, play god. so, actually, i-- for me, i said it so casually because i know so many people that are going through it. it was-- and i forget that there is this whole realm of people that really think it's just horrific and such a horrible thing to do, that think we went through it just to pick the gender, which is not true at all. obviously, we were struggling. we wanted to have children. we want to have a lot of children. and i said it so casually that unfortunately it became a thing i just wanted a baby girl accessory, and that's what happened. >> trevor: which doesn't make sense. because if it was an accessory, you would at the present time to be adopted from africa. that makes sense. i don't know why they would think that of you. that just doesn't make sense. we have a dark sense of humor, by the way, don't we? >> it's perfect. >> trevor: let's talk about the book "cravings." >> it's so exciting. i can't believe it. >> trevor: it's a very funny cookbook. >> i know, people are actually reading it which is exciting because i am a cookbook reader
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and expwier collect them >> trevor: do you really, though? do you really cook? >> oh, yes. >> trevor: we don't associate models with cooking. i know this is a bad stereotype. it's like the pope releasing a book on dating. >> but i really do. i know when to buckle down. let's be honest. i'm not walking runways. i'm not in milan or paris. i do "sports illustrated" which appreciates a curvier body. and when i buckle down for that i really buckle down. but most of my life is cravings, truly, most might have life is really eating and loving to cook. so this is the thing that i am most proud of, honestly, in life. >> trevor: you have every right to be proud because the book is now number one bestseller on the "new york times." >> oh, yeah! ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: congratulations. >> i know, i have credibility to be here. that was my worry. >> trevor: no, this was fun for me as well. you said qur phone number in the cookbook. >> di. page 111. >> trevor: did you notice?
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>> i did not notice until that morning, tuesday morning. i got eye don't speak on the phone and everyone on my team knows i don't talk on the phone. i have a big problem with it for some reason. >> trevor: because you want to be on twitter. >> and then they see me on twitter and go, "hey, we know you're out there." i thought one phone call, two, three, and 150 later. and finally a kind girl texted me and said, "just a head's up your phone number is on pippa's-- my dog's-- collar. so i had to change it. i had it for 11 years. >> trevor: what about the people who don't have your new number? >> it's actually a blessing. >> trevor: why doarnt you give everyone your new number. >> it's 424 >> trevor: "cravings" is in stores right now. chrissy teigen, everybody, thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) this... is a cat. and this... is a live photo of a cat. live photos are more than just photos. they come alive when you touch them.
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and then they go back to still when you let go. so every time you take a picture, you get more than just a photo. you get to relive the moment. because it teleports you through space and time. i'm kidding. time travel is dangerous.
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gravity-defying...e friend-connecting... day-seizing... strong... you. new special k nourish. multi-grain flakes with quinoa, apples, almonds and raspberries. new special k nourish. fortify.
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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00 for more show but right now here
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it is, your moment of zen. >> it is still very early in virginia. let's go to jake and-- and-- >> taina. >> too early to forget names. >> i'm only known her president bush spells out his immigration plan, critics respond, and the northeast is pounded with rain.
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if there was a 24-hour news channel in heaven, the number one anchor would be an angel with my face. "360" starts now. [ "anderson cooper 360" theme playing ] good evening, i'm anderson cooper. [ applause ] immigration issues continue to make headlines, and since there weren't any hurricanes this week, we decided to cover it. monday, president bush admitted that the mexican border is broken. his plan called for the deployment of 6,000 national guard troops to bolster the existing border patrol. joining us now is recently deployed national guardsman, sergeant derek fleck. sergeant, describe what a guardsman goes through when they get deployed. well, i can say that when i learned that i was shipping out, i had a lot of anxiety and fear. i had a very tearful good-bye with my family. and then i found out that i was going to the mexican border... [ laughter ] instead of baghdad. i was so happy, my head almost blew up. [ laughter ] but certainly, the task of guarding our borders is a daunting one. i guess? look, anderson, there are only

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